It feels really peculiar to actually say this but occasionally I find it easier to express myself in English. Yes, I am absolutely terrified of possibly making mistakes with my grammar etc. but then again "everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days", right? It's partially due to my Finnish nature — there is always someone who is better so you probably shouldn't even try. It's also just the fact that I live in England and I continue to believe that my vocabulary is inferior to everyone around me and occasionally there are words that I see that make me go "um wait what?". Then there's the fact that my favorite words are meticulous, illustrious, and equilibrium whilst my (now former) flatmate loves words with "k" or "c" sound in them, majority of which I do not wish to state here, but like the c-word. This said, I know that I'm not terrible with English, I've graduated from the IB and I'm studying a degree in a university in English. Last year, I've had a 78% on one of my practicals and my grammar was an A. Nevertheless, for some odd reason I'm really scared to write anything in English when someone else than a lecturer/close friend might see it. I see natives making mistakes almost daily but I feel like I shouldn't make mistakes, it's not my first language so surely I should be able to speak it perfectly or then just not even try? No, that is not how it's supposed to go.
I experienced the exact same fear when I was in Japan as an exchange student. I went there with a basic knowledge of the language; I was able to introduce myself, read hiragana and katakana and recognize some kanjis. During the first weeks I spoke English with my family and it was so so so difficult to even start to say phrases in Japanese. I got annoyed at myself for not speaking Japanese but I was so scared to make mistakes and/or not being able to say what I wanted to say so I just continued with English. At one point my host mom sat me down and just told me that I need to start to say things in Japanese, even if it's a simple "学校は楽しかったです" ("school was fun") or "えええ、この食べ物は本当に美味しいです" ("this food is delicious!") or just one word in a sentence. I just had to start to use the vocabulary that I had and start to ask more questions when I didn't know what something was in Japanese. It was difficult, I felt like an idiot for only being able to contribute to our dinner conversations with an occasional "can you give me x?" or "this is delicious" but I did it. At school, I had conversations with my classmates and I didn't understand the majority of the things that were said to me but I just nodded and agreed and pretended I knew what was going on. Then there were the moments when I realized that I actually can speak Japanese, like that one time when I was able to visit a shoemaker and explain that the shoes were too small. It was a small thing but it felt like I'd just won something great — I was able to make myself understood in a language that I could barely speak three weeks before that.
There are times when doing or saying a thing feels really scary and I'd rather write my notes in a different pen (anyone who knows me knows that that is a big thing, as I have my one and only pen that I use to write my notes) but I end up saying/doing the thing anyways. It is moments like those when I tend to think back at the times I've been the most scared I've ever been and the whole exchange experience is quite often the one I think of. At the time it didn't seem that terrifying but now that I think about it... it was a brave thing to do. I'd just started high school and decided that I can live on the other side of the world, in a country that speaks a language with a whole different writing system and that has a culture nothing alike to the one I've been brought up in. When people ask about my exchange year I tend to say that it was a learning experience like no other and that it was definitely not the best time of my life but oh so worth it. That's me being as diplomatic as I can but the truth is, I would not change it for anything. The amount of courage and self-confidence that Japan gave me... I couldn't have acquired it in any other way. The people I've met, thanks to my exchange year, have been (and continue to be) incredible. It was a tough way of learning but it was worth it.
In summer of 2014 I returned to Japan with Jasmin and it was me who did most of the talking (since Jasmin forced me even though her Japanese is so much better than mine & we were in the Kansai -region and I don't speak Kansai-ben). Yes, I probably made mistakes but it was okay as I was understood everywhere. Even in immigration when we returned from Seoul and decided to speak Japanese because it felt so natural. The reason why it was so easy to just speak Japanese might be the fact that whenever a gaijin speaks Japanese you get complimented. Every. single. time. You say "okay" to a cashier and you get complimented for your language skills. With a language like English... well, you kind of just expect to be able to speak it perfectly if you're even going to try. I tend to laugh when people say that English is a difficult language, compared to Finnish it really isn't that bad (despite the fact that words aren't pronounced as they are written) but in general English is quite simple. However, it is not my first language and in general I feel like I can express myself at least well enough for people to understand me. If I've been able to acquire a high school diploma in English and I can study in an English university that should say something? Maybe, who knows.
The truth is, even if my English isn't perfect all the time at least I am capable of speaking four other languages as well. Except when I can't find the word in any language and I'm left with a massive confusion of "what an earth is this in ANY language?!?".
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